Do you have a truly crazed friend who wants to get married in wetsuits on a beach in the middle of a tropical thunderstorm? This could make being their honour attendant a tad challenging. Vanessa Rogers spells out duties at a wedding, and offers tips to help counter nerves, while tackling anything unexpected with aplomb.
In the time leading up to a wedding day, the most important duty is for one individual to find the other whom they wish to spend the rest of their respective lives with. This could also be the most challenging and time-consuming duty…
But given how overbooked the choicest and most picturesque venues in South Africa tend to be, it is surely advisable to pick a spot some time before you find “the partner” – reveals one of the event-planning industry’s most tongue-in-cheek professionals.
Also, don’t leave the wedding too long if you’re hoping that your parents will pay, or at least contribute – they’re unlikely to be sympathetic when it comes to wedding expenses, if you’re a couple with a collective age over 70.
But seriously, once brides of all kinds and descriptions have found their grooms, the remaining duties are infinitely simpler by comparison and can be spread out between your honour assistants, parents, and other family members and friends so that the occasion is as magical as you’ve always imagined.
Because different sources offer radically varying lists of duties for each key participant at a wedding, the most common have been summarised below for ease of use:
At the reception, the bride stands in the receiving line with her groom (or female partner), dances the first dance with him/her, and then later with her own father, and spends time with her guests and both sets of parents. She will also need to write thank-you notes when she returns from honeymoon, in acknowledgement of all the gifts that the couple has received.
The groom stands in the receiving line with his bride (or male partner), dances with his mother after his first dance with the bride/duplicate groom, responds to the best man/person’s toast, and spends time with all of the many guests and parents.
The bride’s honour attendant is typically referred to as the matron-of-honour if married, or the maid-of-honour (affectionately, the “maiden-of-dishonour”) if unmarried. By the time the wedding day dawns, a great many of her duties – including arranging the bridal shower, sorting out fittings for the bridesmaids’ dresses, and deciding on a combined gift for the bride – are fortunately over.
However, this individual will need to arrive early to help the bride dress and finish packing for her honeymoon. Further, she will be expected to assist the bride with her train and veil throughout the day, and hold her bouquet when necessary.
Additional duties include keeping the groom/female partner’s ring safe, and holding it during the service until it is called for, standing beside the bride during the ceremony, and later beside the groom in the receiving line. She should be over the age of 18 so that her signature on the marriage licence is legal, and she gains the pleasure of dancing with the best man/person during the bridal couple’s first dance.
The best man is generally chosen due to his close relationship with the groom – he should, in fact, be the groom’s most trustworthy friend or relative. His duties prior to the wedding are extensive, and include: checking on details related to out-of-town ushers, arranging for them to be fitted in their tuxedos, and organising the groom’s bachelor party, together with transportation for the groom and his ushers on the day.
Those duties required on the day are a lot more enjoyable than the sweat that has gone before, even though they are plentiful: arriving early to get the groom properly outfitted and his packing for the honeymoon competed; signing the marriage registry as an over-18 witness; remaining with the (typically jittery) groom while guests arrive in the church after ensuring he has arrived there on time in the first place; and keeping the bride’s ring safe, and holding it during the service until called upon. Other duties include distributing fees for officiants, organists, soloists, catering, cake and/or food and beverage jobs and anyone doing a driving job; seeing that transportation to the ceremony is in order; proposing a toast to the married couple, together with reading out any emails from out-of-towners who could not attend; and last, but not least, assisting in any way that is needed regarding the couple’s departure from the venue – which generally involves the spraying of much shaving cream and the throwing of enormous volumes of petals, streamers and/or confetti.
An important note for those event planners new to the game, is that the number of attendants to be expected is often based on the size and formality of a wedding, i.e. some large-scale nuptials may have as many as eight to 12 honour attendants/ushers on each side, while a small intimate wedding may limit their numbers to just a key bridesmaid and best man.
Bridesmaids go to the florist and pick up the bouquets, gather with other attendants at the designated venue, participate in the processional and recessional in the church or elsewhere, and dance the first dance with their partnering usher.
Ushers are required to arrive well ahead of the ceremony, so that they can help to seat everyone – the bride’s guests on the left side of the aisle, and the groom’s on the right. According to tradition, ushers are expected to step forward and offer their right arm to guests as they arrive, prioritising the elderly where possible.
They unroll the aisle runner, escort guests to their cars after the ceremony, participate in the processional and recessional, and ensure that the ceremony site is cleared of all guest belongings thereafter. Ushers also have the pleasure of dancing with their partnering bridesmaid during the reception’s first dance.
Smaller roles at a wedding include that of the flower girl, who walks down the aisle ahead of the bride carrying a basket of flowers or confetti (to later distribute to the guests as the married couple emerges from signing the registry); and that of the ring bearer, who is usually the young son of one of the guests and is tasked with walking close to the flower girl, and just ahead of the bride, carrying a pillow with symbolic rings stitched onto it (or the actual rings, if he is not likely to lose them on the way there!)
It goes without saying that being chosen as a bridesmaid or usher is flattering, and a great honour, but it can also prove a great deal of hard work – and rather stressful when things take an unexpected turn…
Anyone thriving in an event coordinator, or food and beverage job, will likely have a few nuggets to share with soon-to-be bridesmaids or grooms: such as the importance of gathering and keeping nearby at all times an emergency kit of umbrellas (for sudden and unexpected downpours just as the photos are due to be taken), superglue (for shoes, and other items of apparel that mysteriously come apart at the seams); and a black khoki (to cover over unwanted white flecks on black items, such as a small white seagull dropping on the groom’s tuxedo. How did it get there?).
Fortunately, weddings generally have the most forgiving guests of any occasion. What’s important is to think quickly and act without delay if anything goes askew; and to remember that once everyone is seated and the bubbly is flowing, few people will remember any mishap that took place earlier on in the day.